Life

Many times we go through struggles and when we start to see the light it seems that something else sneaks in and takes it away. I am doing what I can to make it through each day. Some days are better than others and then I have days that I just don't want to fight anymore. If I didn't have so much debt I would pack up right now and move back home. I am trying my best to go back home with less debt and move myself so that I don't create more debt. I am afraid and worried because I might be leaving a job and then its the search for a new one.

I will be leaving my children which is hard but they have already left me so I guess its fair play. I often wander where I went wrong and what I really did to make them hurt me so much. I did my very best to be a good parent and have them enjoy life. I didn't want them to struggle like I did wandering if both parentts really love them. How funny because is seems they love one parent more than the other right now. I will not compete with money and I have a huge heart for them but now its their turn to show me that they want to be loved.

I do have a supportive man in my life who is trying what he knows best and I am pushing him away simply because I don't want to get hurt or deal with another loss. I do care for him very much but I also see he is concerned and doesn't know if this is what he wants either. Yes, its all confusing but I guess he stays because he can live here with little debt and doesn't have to work.

Today is an ok day and I hope they get better soon because the light is getting dimmer as the week goes by.

Looking Back!!!

Here it is one year later, wow the changes that have happened. My children are a year older and so am I. My divorce is still dragging on. I am still employed. Yeah!

I have grown so much stronger in my faith which has brought me through this past year that was much harder than I ever expected it to be. We all make decisions in our life and sometimes those decisions seem doable and then as you go through that journey there are obstacles and hurdles that you never saw coming. I get my strenght everyday through Jesus. I also have a great support group that has helped me through these trying times.

I have two wonderful children that were brought into a situation that could have been handled better by both parents. As I looked back on my childhood and how divorce affected me I start putting myself in my childrens shoes and didn't put them in the middle. Our children today have so many challenges as it is no reason to add to them. The influences that they are around are much worse than when I was growing up. The world of technology is exciting but scary at the same time. The temptations that surround them are great and we as parents need to help out and be involved with our children all the time. Yes, its easy to give in when the attitudes start but that is letting Satan win over our children.

Both my children received Christ which was wonderful. I am currently planning a move back home where I can heal with my family and friends. My children are also very excited because they built a better relationship with their grandmother and enjoy that church. I am ready for this move and ready to move on and see what God has in store for me there.

Another Day!

As I sat in Church yesterday listening to the sermon of Taming your Tongue it really hit home. I have been going through some tough times lately. Or as some of us would say some challenges in life. As my divorce is drawing to a close there is always something else that seems to pop up. My children and I are creating better relationships and my finances are finally starting to work out.

The big challenge is dealing with the ex. He just doesn't really want to let go and wants to cause so much pain in everyones life. We both know that things could have been better, I truly tried and I finally turned over everything to God and have forgiven myself for all the things that went wrong. This was a hard thing to do but I know that is was the right thing to do.

I have a close friend who has helped me through this. Its very hard to do all this when all the people I am close to live thousands of miles away. I try to be this strong person and live life but I really wasn't following through with the advice or totally giving it to God to handle.

I am feeling much better now that I have asked for the forgiveness and realize that it wasn't all my fault and by fighting for what is mine isn't the wrong thing to do its taking care of me because no one else will do it. I know that with all the changes that lay ahead of me I will get through this. There will be many changes in this next year and hopefully I will be closer to home and with my family and friends.

As the weeks go by!

This morning I woke up to my alarm so wanting to just stay in bed and sleep the day away. I haven't been feeling the greatest these days. I am sure its just fatigue due to stress and everyday life but I am a little concerned. My temper seems a little short and I just don't feel like dealing with drama or making everyone happy.

Over the past years I felt it was my job to make sure everyone was happy but now I am trying to take care of me. Then when I make changes or try to take care of me I feel guilty. This changing process is a challenge and I am not sure which way to go.

I am struggling with what to do next in my life or what road do I travel down. I want to be near my children but not near my ex. I need to have a job but with economy the way it is I am not sure what to do.

My relationships is up and down and as of lately I am not sure we will make it forever. I truly want to try but with our disagreements not sure if we really have a chance. I have given this to the Lord and I am patiently waiting without putting more stress on myself.

Blessing from the Power up Above

Today I feel like the pressure has been lifted. I had to sit down and go over the financial from the divorce with my very soon to be ex. I said several prayers during the day and once right before we met to make the words be the ones from God not mine. For the most part I was successful. As much as I don't want to rehash things it has become hard because when I spend time with my children they say things that is obviously from an adult conversation. I know from experience that when their is children involved this process is much harder.

I am truly concerned for both of my children because with having two different households its very evident that they at time try to play both of us. They are my number one priority, many things will be changing the summer of 2010. I am glad the we got this last portion on paper and now we can truly both move on with our own lives. It does saden me that after all this time he wants to be more honest. This is the difference between men and women. We usually try to talk about the things that bother us. Where guys don't generally realize that there is a problem until they loose that person.

I praise God for getting me through this process and I pray for his help this year and for my children to be safe, healthy and honest. There has been blessing through this trial in my life. I have become stronger in my faith and closer to my mother. I do have a wonderful man in my life and through God's words we will hopefully become stronger as well.

Changes in Life

As we grow older many things change. Our lives change as well. I have been going through a divorce and never thought it would be as hard as it has been. In a few short weeks the process will be over and hopefully the healing will start. Its funny how you can spend 14 years with a person and never really know who they are. Over this past year I have changed myself and I like the changes that have occured.

I think the hardest part is watching my children go through this with the worry of upseting one parent or having to choose where to live. Many people have told me not to be the nice person but my heart and faith lead me to do the right things. It wasn't easy taking all the crap and being accused of things that weren't true. In my heart I know the truth and someday so with my children.

I do have a wonderful man who does take care of me from time to time. The bad part is with all the things that have happened over the years I have become pretty independent and won't rely on him completely which has caused its own problems. After being in a relationship for 14 years I didn't want to rely on anyone I needed to do something myself. This was good and bad because it caused undue hardship on myself supporting the household. The worst part is I have completely drained my savings and now when I need the extra money to move or do anything it isn't there. I have really humbled myself because to me making sure my children have what they need is important. Its sad because they never want me to buy them anything because their father has told them I cannot afford to buy them things. I would rather be in debt then know that my children feel sorry for me because of money.

I have also made the bond between my mother and I much stronger through this as well. We email almost every day now and usually talk a few times a week. It is hard because I am on the other coast pretty much by myself. I miss my family and hope to be back there next year. I am stronger in my faith as well and this summer both of my children became christians which I am so proud of them for making that next step in their lives.

I also have a good friend who has been there to discuss and support me as well. Without those two people in my life I am not sure I would be standing here today. I hope that someday I can repay the favor for someone else.

Lifes Challenges

Do you ever wake up and questions almost everything about your life? These are some pretty deep questions to ask. It can be about the job you currently have or how your life is going. Once you start to analyze those areas of concern now its time to break them all down and figure out what to change or what can be changed or how to deal with what you have.

As I walk through life there were many times that I felt very alone and unhappy. My feeling of unhappiness has faded away since I have started living my life with Christ everyday. I have always believed in God but until a few months back I didn't realize what all that really entailed. I now wake up looking forward to my devotion of the day. I am trying to live a better life and constantly praying for the right direction and protection from the everyday challenges.

I feel more confident than I ever have. I also know that the counseling that I endure after my return from Iraq was one of the best things I could have ever done. My life is not normal by any means and my concern for my children is very intense. I truly want what is best for them. I know that someday when they are grown they will understand what went on a little better.

I am trying to make the right choices and say things that will not hurt either party of this divorce. I am so thankful for my Mom and friends that have been there for me every step of the way. These choices have been very tough but I can say they were done for the right reasons and I feel so much better about them also.

I feel like this process will never end and that it will be a constant battle. I have a wondeful man in my life but there are times when I feel that he doesn't really understand what is going on. My children are the world to me and no matter how bad they treat me they will always be mine. I don't like conflict or the pressures of what will happen this weekend and do I need to be on guard because of attitudes. He is supportive but he has a problem when the kids are not treating me properly. The children are going through so many changes right now and with having two different house to go to it makes things difficult. I do understand that its easier to choose one house over the other simply because all of their stuff is there and that is where they are currently comfortable. I don't like being the person who is on the outskirts waiting for them to realize that I love them and want to spend time with them. Recently I have felt like the bad person simply because they are so angry with me that I get treated like a piece of dirt on the floor only needed occasionally. This has caused some concern in my relationship which is hard because he feels that they are using me and I will take what ever I can get because its so minimal these days.

I have to say that this week has been much better. I had a long talk with my daughter and she now understands that I have feelings too. My son wanted to spend more time with me and we are having great conversations also. I am hoping that things stay this way but I am sure there will be more hiccups to follow.

I know that with Jesus by my side that I will get through this.

Love is In the Air

This is a beautiful Monday morning and I am so very blessed. I just spent the most amazing weekend with the love of my life. The weather was fantastic and the food was great. We put many miles on this weekend and covered so much ground.

San Francisco was amazing we stayed in a small hotel that was perfect for what we planned. We got up the next moring after our arrival and headed down to the Fisherman's wharf for our early tour of Alcatraz. We stopped at a wonderful bread store and grabbed some breakfast sandwiches which were fantastic. We boarded the boat and cruised over to Alcatraz for a breath taking adventure with many twists and turns. It was awesome to be able to share this experience with someone so dear to me. I have waited a long time to be able to do things like this. I am so grateful to have Mike in my life.

After we spent several hours on the island we headed back to the mainland and grabbed some lunch which was very good also clam chowder. Yummy! Then we walked around for a little while layed in the park and rested and back to the room for relax and figure out what to do next. We had a little date night with some fantastic dinner and a movie. Got up the next morning took our time and had breakfast in the hotel and headed for coffe. (Gotta to have good coffee in the am) then we came back and packed up and headed for the Golden Gate bridge. We drive to the other side and walked across the bridge taking in another day of great weather and enjoying each others company. Wow I am so blessed.

Communication

As we go through life we communicate on a daily basis. But do we truly talk to hear ourselves or is this talking making a difference. I have learned the hardway the just because you talk doesn't mean that you are communicating. Recently I had a long conversation with the new Man of my life. From past experience I have learned to be honest and speak to the other person by using words that do not put blame on the other one. As the times passes we all learn more about each other and sometimes this could bother us or we can choose to accept that person for who they are. I have always been a very understanding person and put everyone else before me. This particular situation I decided to be honest and put myself first.

After being away from each other for a few weeks there was some concern on both parties. We sat down and decided to talk about the current situation and what was happening. For the first time every I was completely honest and stated my true feelings and concerns. I feel so much better and this brought the two of us even closer together. I do believe that God works in mysterious ways. I am trying to be more proactive in this relationship and communicate better.

If there is anything to gain from this posting it would be to speak from the heart and use words that come from you without putting blame or having anger to them. Explain your concerns in a manner that shows the future or what may happen if there needs to be a change.

Life Changes

As we mature in our lives we tend to view things differently. I know that after serving in Iraq my viewpoint on life is much different. I try not to worry about things I cannot control and family is so important to me.

I am struggling these days with the seperation and lack of time with my children. It seems everytime I turn around there is some reason in their head to spend less time with me. I am doing much better at not showing my feelings and being so upset but once they go back to their house I fall apart. I am a very strong person but I have to admit that this scares me to death. I am not sure that I can succeed in life without them by my side.

The way I view life now is one day at a time and the planning part of my life has been put on hold simply because with the unknown there is no purpose to plan. I do pray everyday and somedays it seems as if I say a prayer every few hours.

I do know that from now on there will be no rushing into anything and the decisions that I make will be well thought out. Isn't life grand!

~Dance Like No One's Watching~

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are.
After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with, we will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza.
He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin -real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way, so, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time... and remember that time waits for no one.
So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy... Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So, Work like you don't need money. Love like you've never been hurt and Dance Like no one's watching.
~Author Unknown~

What a great way to view life. So please enjoy today like there is no tomorrow because you never know when your day has come. I walk through my days now with Christ and I am so happy to be blessed with a great family and wonderful friends.

Life Quotes

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something.I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place. (Amen to that!)I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.I've learned that I'm getting more and more like my grandma, and I'm kinda happy about it.I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.I've learned that you should never tell a child her dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if she believed itI've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological. I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.I've learned that if you don't want to forget something, stick it in your underwear drawer.I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.I've learned that the clothes I like best are the ones with the most holes in them.I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process. I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life.I've learned that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is self-control.I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.I've learned that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.I've learned that although the word "love" can have many different meaning, it loses value when overly used.I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.
Author Unk.

With today being St. Patty's Day we should all be a little green with something. I am green with love today. I forsee a future of happiness in areas where there is a lot of green. Yes, we all go through times of our lives when its seems very dark but the challenge is getting through it with a smile and learning lessons along the way. We are all given challenges but its how we react to those challenges that make the difference. People are able to make a difference in their life along with making a difference in others. Instead of judging looks at it from a different perspective and see if you can help or give encouragement. Sometimes others just need to have someone listen. I know myself that I am bad about this at times.

I sit here humbled because the last 24 hours has been incredibly hard and trying to be honest and listening to what the other person has to say is very hard without jumping to conclusions. If we stop and put ourselves in their shoes then life seems a little different. I do not have the answers but God does and once we realize that he has to be in charge then life becomes normal again. I know that I have a good man and two beautiful children that I adore. These past couple of months have been very hard but it could be much worse so I am grateful for everything that God has given me.

I am blessed to have friends and family that support me and are always there for me no matter what. Life is good and the grass is greener with God.

Dilemas / Decisions

Life is always changing! Do you remember as a child and thinking about what the future may hold? As we grow up our plans change and our thoughts change as well. No one ever grows up thinking they will be divorce and have children who may not live with them. The hardest part is know that one day these children will be place in a situation where they have to make an adult decision without hurting the other person. I am currently dealing with that everyday.

The difference is that I have found a wonderful person through all of this and should have started this process sooner. I wasn't strong enough nor did I think I could do it yet. I did reach some goals and once that was done I made those moves. The problem is that while doing all of this I have hurt my children and put them in a very confusing spot. I love my children with all my heart but feel that I am being played right now. Nothing I do or say means anything to them and I feel like I am grabbing at straws and coming up short.

I just don't know where to turn and I pray all the time but I feel as if there are no anwers right now. A part of me want to just end it all and then the children won't have to make a decision. But that is the wrong way out of this situation and it leaves many questions unanswered. It is also the selfish way out.

I want to be happy but does that mean that I won't have my children? I am I wrong for wanting a life with a wonderful man who truly wants to take care of me and I can say that I am not afraid to have him take care of me. Yes, I have family that supports me but also wants me to move back East but my hearts says that by doing that I am giving in to what I did for 14 years and not living my life.

What do we do in order to get through this time of trials?

Life is Good!

Life is wonderful especially when you have such a great support group. I feel so blessed these days. I spent a wonderful weekend with my family and church friends. My children were blessed with many open arms and prayers. This has been a very hard transition for both of my children and a little harder on my son who is going through changes as a teenager also.

I have found a wonderful man who want so spend the rest of his life with me and my children. The hardest part is having everyone understand that these changes are for the good. I am grateful that my son got to spend some time with the youth of the Church where my Mom belongs because they have planted the seed and now we just need to continue to pray. My daughter opened up and express what has really been going on. I am so grateful that I have been talking with my Mom and all of these situations because I not only took her advice but I remember how my Mom reacted when I was the child of parents going through a divorce. Being the better person is not always the easiest thing to do especially when you know the other person is doing everything they can to make it harder on you.

I thank God everyday for having two children and ask that he guides me through these times and answers our prayers as well as keep us safe. I also thank God for my true friends who have stood beside me and listened to me gripe or vent when things are really tough and also cry because I am overwhelmed and just do not know what else to do.

Making a Hard Decision

Here it is February and next month will be a year out from when the ex is moving. I had the talk with my kids a few days ago. I feel bad that they need to decide whom to live with but they need to figure out and make their decisions. I explained to them that if they really want to live with their Dad because he is able to provide a better life for them then by all means go with him. I also let them know that what they are experiencing now will not continue once he gets down there and starts working his new job in at the Head Quarters of the Marine Corps. This was a tough talk because I want them with me very much. They are old enough to know that life isn't about money and materialistic things.

I have showed them love, nurturing and have been there when they needed me. I will continue to do all those things but probably from a distance. I want them to stay for the right reasons and not with all the attitudes. I feel deep down inside that it was the right thing to do and will continue to pray that God touches all of us involved to use the right words and really see what each person has to offer.

Weekends!

Why is it that weekend do not seem long enough. Here it is Monday morning and I am already looking forward to Friday. This past weekend was pretty normal but there was a little drama.

Going through a divorce is hard and the children seem to fair the worst at times or is it that they are pushing buttons to see which household will be better in their minds. I have come to realize that money is not the only thing in life that can make you happy. I lived in a situation where we had money and never had to worry about buying things except the aftermath of purchases. After riding home from a soccer game it came very clear that money is what kids look at. I am not in a situation where I can spend money unless it is a necessity for the most part. I am able to spend a little extra but not much.

I am torn at times because I love my children to death but dealing with the moodiness and attitude is making things very hard. I do my best to show my children that I love them very much and try to get thigns they want or need when I have the money. I do not have a house where there are tons of video games nor can I afford to buy things that are expensive. I have games and crafts and tons of love. I truly feel that I have lost the battle of where my children want to live. I do hope that someday they will understand that I love them no matter what and unconditionally. I know that they are going through a tough time and the ex is putting pressure on them to make a decision but I will not do that because I feel it is unfair to them.

I reassure them constantly that I love them and will be there no matter what but have decided to not move anywhere simply because I do not want to be under control of their Dad. He is a nice person but we do not see eye to eye on many things and personally I feel he is using our children to get to me.

This weekend was hard but I got through it with God on my side and I ask him for guidance to make it through the day and weeks ahead.

What a Blow!

I guess fairytales do not last forever. Yesterday I got home after a normal workday and changed my clothes and got ready for a run. My sweetheart and I went for an amazing run even though I had a stomache. I had this strange feeling all day that something was going to happen. After an amazing run and a cool down I got the hey I got this call today.
Since my hormones are already in an uproar I tried my best to not go off the deep end. The Sherriff's department from Whatcom County ( where he is from ) called asking him to come in for phase 4 testing.
So me being who I am said he should go because he has wanted this for so long. I was fighting back the tears and anger because he just got here and is getting settled in. We talked about it and I explained that its a great opportunity and that we will get through this no matter what. He shouldn't even worry about me and if need be I can pack his stuff and send it to him. Of course he was a little shocked by my reaction but who am I to hold him back. I know in my heart that he turned all the other offers down for this one. I don't want him to leave so soon but will support him no matter what and hope that if this all goes through he will still want to be a part of my life.
As the night went on we talked off and on and I have preparted myself for the worst because lately that is what usually happens.
I had a nightmare just the night before where he left and many other things happened in that one as well. I pray that God helps us through this. I also wish him luck as we make flight arrangements for him to go back for his testing.

Memories

After a long weekend together, I have realized that I am more in love than I thought possible. I have a wonderful man who not only wants to be with me but he also cooks for me. The weekend was a busy weekend cleaning out rooms and organizing what we have and getting rid of what we don't need. I have a few boxed to ship out to people just not sure when the will happen.

We cleaned out the bedroom so now Tori has an actual space of her own. I just need a dresser to complete the room. We also cleaned up Tim's room and he now has a few more pieces of furniture in there. The storage shed is also organized so we are able to find things and get to the decorations for the different holidays.

It was nice having help the entire time and we also took a day to just spend together and relax getting some errands done as well. I never knew this is what life could be like. I am not counting my eggs before they hatch either. I just want to take it slow and make sure we are on the same page.

Another Day in the Life of Divorce!

Why is it people say one thing and do another. So this entire time I have tried to do the right thing and be objective only to find out that lawyers are going to be involved. It totally amazes me that he honestly thinks that I am that dumb. I have verbally agreed to not take things that I am authorized to have half. In this process I realized that our children should be more important and that is the main reason I am not seeking more.

I just wanted out of a marriage that wasn't working and hadn't been for a long time. I wanted our children to grow up with what love should be and not have them think that control and belittling is normal. I wanted to be equal and have input on major decisions and feel important to the other person and not just a maid, housewife or anything along those lines.

I stupidly thought that if I kept a clean house and cooked meal, took care of the kids and worked a job to bring in my share that we should be equal and would feel important and special. All to realize that I was never in the top 5 nor would I be until the kids were grown and gone. I was asked to continue my education to better myself and stay equal when all that did was cause problems and have the other person tell me what type of degree I should pursue. I am very glad that I did follow with my bachelors and will continue my degree plan here in the near future.

I only hope that through this entire process that I can be the better person and stick to what I agreed upon with a few minor changes. I have worked just as hard and sacrificed many things in order for our children to have what they need. I have had to swallow my pride a little and ask for help from my family to get a lawyer as well to make sure that we are on the same page.

Through the grace of God I will survive.

Weekends

The weekends never seem to last long enough. This weekend was pretty busy and went very well. This was the first weekend that we all spent it together under the new house and living conditions. Friday was nice and Mike and I went for a run while the kids were getting settled. Then it was game time for Tim and movies for the rest of us. The quality time was great.

The kids did really well there was a little bit of moodiness but that was discussed and ignored from there on out. Amazing how one household can be so different. Tori had her first indoor soccer game and it was fun watching the girls play. She also got to play goalee for the first time and did really well.

It was different because H and I had a little confrontation but it needed to happen. I am no longer under his control and he needed to know that I will not tolerate him controling my life or using our children to get information. Life is too short to be in some elses business. We should all live our own lives and be happy with much laughter in it along with memories.

I am so blessed to have two beautiful children and a man who truly loves me and helps me everyday and vice versa. I thank God for bringing him into our lives and look forward to the future together.

As the week goes by!

Children are a wonderful thing. This week started off very challenging and now it seems as if averything is normal again. The kids are adjusting well and asking questions as to why the new Man in my life cannot help out with taking them to school or attending sporting events. I explained last night that their Dad didn't want him there right now.

Funny how the "mouth of babe" is sometimes directed in the other direction. I do understand that there were some uncertainties and now through honest conversations and much love they realize that life will be somewhat normal. Besides what is the definition of normal? I feel its what you make it.

I have been doing my daily devotions every morning and saying my prayers and things are looking up. What a beautiful world we live in. I know I am not out of the woods yet but it sure looks nice right now.

The new love of my life is there helping me everyday and willing to listen. Our love for each other just keeps getting stronger and stronger. I am so grateful the God has brought us together.

Family

Life is so much better with family. I have to give thanks to my Mom because she is standing beside me even more now. These past few days have been pretty tough emotionally. Thanks God for Moms I love mine more than life itself.

Since my mother has been down this road before she has some wisdom to help me through this difficult time. I have also giving this to God to help me with my words and emotions in order to be stronger and not let my feelings shine through so easily.

As the Days Go by!

Wouldn't life be boring if we were all given instructions on how to live it? Over the past few weeks I have had a great deal of time to myself to think and rationalize over the decisions and changes occurring in my life. Many of them have made my life better but some have created more complications.

Divorce is probably one of the hardest things I have ever been through. As a child watching my Mom go through it didn't seem to bad. Now that I am going through a divorce of my own my heart aches for my children. I know they are very confused and worried. I am at a loss at how to make them feel better except for showing them love and attention.

I am also dealing with my ex who is trying to make everything out to be my problem and the blunt of the reasons we didn't work out. I wish sometimes that he would admit his faults and not put the blame all on me because the last time I checked marriage was between two people.

I do have anger about the situation and vent when the kids aren't around. I am doing my best to keep my head up high and thank God for what I have.

The New Year

So far this year is off to a rocky start. I didn't celebrate the New Year like I had hoped but that is ok. I have come to realize that it isn't about the party scene or having fairy tale type of expectations of what New Years eve should be like. I can say that I am so grateful to be healthy and in love. I was without my children and that hurt more than I can describe but I made it through.

Mike, Eric and I packed up his apartment to head to California and things went very well. We took our time and loaded the uhaul trailer and then went to dinner with some friends and relaxed. Friday I got to spend the day with Teresa which was very nice because we got to get to know each other even more. I am so happy to have found a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally.

As we are driving from WA to CA I get a phone call from my ex who says we really need to talk about the current situation. So what do I do go into the defensive mode and then calm down to try and rationally talk about what the issues are. Well needless to say I am the bad guy and I don't communicate with my children and they should be more important. I try to keep my temper in check. As the conversation ends I have said a few prayers and know that we will all get through this change.

My life has started over and now I am so very happy with the person I love and all that needs to happen is for my children to come home and all of us grow together in God and live better lives.