This morning I woke up to my alarm so wanting to just stay in bed and sleep the day away. I haven't been feeling the greatest these days. I am sure its just fatigue due to stress and everyday life but I am a little concerned. My temper seems a little short and I just don't feel like dealing with drama or making everyone happy.
Over the past years I felt it was my job to make sure everyone was happy but now I am trying to take care of me. Then when I make changes or try to take care of me I feel guilty. This changing process is a challenge and I am not sure which way to go.
I am struggling with what to do next in my life or what road do I travel down. I want to be near my children but not near my ex. I need to have a job but with economy the way it is I am not sure what to do.
My relationships is up and down and as of lately I am not sure we will make it forever. I truly want to try but with our disagreements not sure if we really have a chance. I have given this to the Lord and I am patiently waiting without putting more stress on myself.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Blessing from the Power up Above
Today I feel like the pressure has been lifted. I had to sit down and go over the financial from the divorce with my very soon to be ex. I said several prayers during the day and once right before we met to make the words be the ones from God not mine. For the most part I was successful. As much as I don't want to rehash things it has become hard because when I spend time with my children they say things that is obviously from an adult conversation. I know from experience that when their is children involved this process is much harder.
I am truly concerned for both of my children because with having two different households its very evident that they at time try to play both of us. They are my number one priority, many things will be changing the summer of 2010. I am glad the we got this last portion on paper and now we can truly both move on with our own lives. It does saden me that after all this time he wants to be more honest. This is the difference between men and women. We usually try to talk about the things that bother us. Where guys don't generally realize that there is a problem until they loose that person.
I praise God for getting me through this process and I pray for his help this year and for my children to be safe, healthy and honest. There has been blessing through this trial in my life. I have become stronger in my faith and closer to my mother. I do have a wonderful man in my life and through God's words we will hopefully become stronger as well.
I am truly concerned for both of my children because with having two different households its very evident that they at time try to play both of us. They are my number one priority, many things will be changing the summer of 2010. I am glad the we got this last portion on paper and now we can truly both move on with our own lives. It does saden me that after all this time he wants to be more honest. This is the difference between men and women. We usually try to talk about the things that bother us. Where guys don't generally realize that there is a problem until they loose that person.
I praise God for getting me through this process and I pray for his help this year and for my children to be safe, healthy and honest. There has been blessing through this trial in my life. I have become stronger in my faith and closer to my mother. I do have a wonderful man in my life and through God's words we will hopefully become stronger as well.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Changes in Life
As we grow older many things change. Our lives change as well. I have been going through a divorce and never thought it would be as hard as it has been. In a few short weeks the process will be over and hopefully the healing will start. Its funny how you can spend 14 years with a person and never really know who they are. Over this past year I have changed myself and I like the changes that have occured.
I think the hardest part is watching my children go through this with the worry of upseting one parent or having to choose where to live. Many people have told me not to be the nice person but my heart and faith lead me to do the right things. It wasn't easy taking all the crap and being accused of things that weren't true. In my heart I know the truth and someday so with my children.
I do have a wonderful man who does take care of me from time to time. The bad part is with all the things that have happened over the years I have become pretty independent and won't rely on him completely which has caused its own problems. After being in a relationship for 14 years I didn't want to rely on anyone I needed to do something myself. This was good and bad because it caused undue hardship on myself supporting the household. The worst part is I have completely drained my savings and now when I need the extra money to move or do anything it isn't there. I have really humbled myself because to me making sure my children have what they need is important. Its sad because they never want me to buy them anything because their father has told them I cannot afford to buy them things. I would rather be in debt then know that my children feel sorry for me because of money.
I have also made the bond between my mother and I much stronger through this as well. We email almost every day now and usually talk a few times a week. It is hard because I am on the other coast pretty much by myself. I miss my family and hope to be back there next year. I am stronger in my faith as well and this summer both of my children became christians which I am so proud of them for making that next step in their lives.
I also have a good friend who has been there to discuss and support me as well. Without those two people in my life I am not sure I would be standing here today. I hope that someday I can repay the favor for someone else.
I think the hardest part is watching my children go through this with the worry of upseting one parent or having to choose where to live. Many people have told me not to be the nice person but my heart and faith lead me to do the right things. It wasn't easy taking all the crap and being accused of things that weren't true. In my heart I know the truth and someday so with my children.
I do have a wonderful man who does take care of me from time to time. The bad part is with all the things that have happened over the years I have become pretty independent and won't rely on him completely which has caused its own problems. After being in a relationship for 14 years I didn't want to rely on anyone I needed to do something myself. This was good and bad because it caused undue hardship on myself supporting the household. The worst part is I have completely drained my savings and now when I need the extra money to move or do anything it isn't there. I have really humbled myself because to me making sure my children have what they need is important. Its sad because they never want me to buy them anything because their father has told them I cannot afford to buy them things. I would rather be in debt then know that my children feel sorry for me because of money.
I have also made the bond between my mother and I much stronger through this as well. We email almost every day now and usually talk a few times a week. It is hard because I am on the other coast pretty much by myself. I miss my family and hope to be back there next year. I am stronger in my faith as well and this summer both of my children became christians which I am so proud of them for making that next step in their lives.
I also have a good friend who has been there to discuss and support me as well. Without those two people in my life I am not sure I would be standing here today. I hope that someday I can repay the favor for someone else.
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