I had such a wonderful Christmas with the love of my life. Yes, I was without my children but the love that I felt that day really helped me through the day. I got so many amazing gifts and felt welcomed with open arms from his family. I still haven't talked to my children simply because they are not answering their phones. I am texting and leaving messages. I hve to say this is very hard for me because I usually talke to them more often.

I am saying my prayers and hoping that its because they are busy. But I can honestly say that I do not like this silence I am experiencing right now. Mike is at work which means I am here by myself. I would get out but the weather isn't the greatest. Today I have been doing some training for work and just watching TV. I need to get motivated but its a little hard right now.

I just pray for peace in my life and a safe drive back to California with Mike.

Tis the Season

So here it is the kids are done with school for a few weeks in order to Celebrate Christ's birth what a wonderful thing. I am so grateful this year to have my children in good schools and learning about religion. We used to go to church and over the years we slacked off. We still say our prayers which are very important. Today is a hard day for me simply because with all the changes in my life this year I am spending Christmas without my two wonderful children.

Last night I dropped them off at their Dad's and had to say that good bye for two weeks. Wow, was that hard Tori and I didn't want to stop hugging and Tim he was being a teenager and went up stairs like it wasn't a big deal. Of course I left in tears and my heart hurting so bad but I managed. I had a wonderful man waiting for my call to help me through this transition. The guilt sets in when you see your children such a mess. But I realize that what I did was for the best.

Now my new life begins, I will have this weekend and part of next week to prepare for my new life. I am every excited about being happy every day and being with someone who loves me and lets me love them back completely. I can talk about my day and not worry if its a topic he doesn't want to hear about. I get to be me the person who was lost for so long.

I am starting new traditions and making new memories that will last a life time. I look forward to the snow and cold as well. I also look forward to the drive back home together to our place.

A little about the kids though they have gone through many changes and I appluad them for being such good troopers. I know this has been really hard for them and we talk about all their feelings and how we will get through this. There is always good that comes out of every change and this is the communication part with all the changes both my children talk to me more now than before and we do family type meetings to discuss our feeling or how things are going. Tim my oldest is going through so many changes due to his age and we also talk about those and Tori she is adjusting to not having her friend group anymore. It is nice to know that both my children feel comfortable talking to me.

Our family will do Christmas in January and we will all be together and happy and make new traditions and start the new year together

Living with the decision for divorce

No one said life would be easy. Marriage can be very blissful but it is a two way street. After 14 years of questions of why did I get married and did I do it for the right reasons? Many years of unhappiness and dealing with all the moves and changes not only for myself but our children as well. I made the decision after some serious thought that my marriage was over a few years ago and I needed to just do what needed to be done to officially end it.

During this process I did meet someone who I have so much in common with and we became very good friends. Once I made the announcement that I wanted a divorce this friend and I started pursuing things from a different level. Not only was this hard for the two of us but I also needed to have the acceptance from my children. I have said many prayers and realized that I was at fault also. I was tired of making all the changes and starting over time after time without even being thought of. Am I asking to much to be considered important and not thought of as money.

Yes, my children were very upset and they still go through the emotions of us not being together but they also have accepted that we are both much happier (at least I am). I am trying to be the nice person and just get out but as time passes I realize that isn't so easy and many times I want to rethink my decisions. I have just as much invested as he does and its very unfortunate that he makes more money than me but he is a man.

Yes I have day where I am very angry but I realize that it isn't worth being a cry babe over it. I just need to be happy and take care of my children. The best way to do that is living a life where happiness is seen and the love us abundant. We will also have God in our lives and if he can forgive me than that means I can forgive myself.

Friday is finally here!

Yeah! I am so glad its Friday. I can finally get a little break. I am excited about spending this weekend with my wonderful children. It is hard knowing that we will be apart for the holidays this year but we will all get through it. I do not have any decorations up yet and that is something we are planning on doing. The kids have their Christmas show tonight and I am looking forward to that as well.

The whole divorce thing isn't so bad except when it comes to the children. Of course I want them with me I have been there the entire time. I sacrificed and let the kids stay with their Dad for many reasons. Number one is that I didn't have any furniture in my place for the first two months and two he needed to experience what it is really like doing it all on your own. During the years of our marriage I would hear when he deployed that it isn't that hard we can change places. Funny how now he makes comments about not having any time for himself. Humm, imagine that. Do I feel sorry for him no. My children yes because their idea of a perfect family has fallen apart. Am I happier now absolutely. I have a wonderful man in my life who treats me like a an equal and a person.

I am celebrating the holiday this year with a very heavy heart and through God's prayers we will get through this time. I wish my children a Merry Christmas and bring them home safely. I am not sure what I would have done without God in my life to get me through this rough spot in my life.

Life as it is

I am sitting at my desk and very thankful for everything I have. As the holidays approach we all tend to get a little crazy and forget the real reason for the season. Which is Christ dying on the cross for our sins. I have noticed more people are out on the streets asking for money or food. I also read an article the other day stating how many people were laid off last month. I am so thankful to have my job. I thank the Lord everyday to be where I am and have my children and a wonderful man in my life.

We all go through changes and challenges but that is what life is all about. Today reading an email there was a quote from the Dali Lama "Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it". Wow isn't that true if we all look back through our lives I am sure many times we have given up things to get where we are today. I know I have given up many things and today I have someone who supports me 100% in order to be happy and by myside. What a difference than before. I am still skiddish at times simply because during our differences things are said or brought to our attention and that wall goes up to keep me from getting hurt which does cause more problems.

This weekend was another weekend of differences due to me being on reserve duty and not having the time to chat or talk as usual. When I did get the time I didn't respond as I should have and went on with my normal routine instead of taking the time to communicate and work things out. Today we are much better and I realize that I am a little selfish simply because my reserve weekends caused so many problems in my marriage that I wasn't going to let that happen with this relationship. I do love him very much and I am so looking forward to the next step.

I have also learned over the past two years that communication is the key and it takes both parties for it to happen. I listen more and talk less in order to understand what is going on.

As for the holiday and gifts it is a slim Christmas but many new memories will be made and those can never be bought. I am so looking forward to seeing what lies ahead of us.

Preparing for the Holidays

As we all start our shopping and decorating the stress starts about how can we manage everything from day to day. I almost got myself completely caught up on the idea of making sure I have everyone covered and truely forgot the reason we celebrate. I am so thankful to have Christ in my life who helps me everyday.

After reading through some different posts of friends it came to me that I am doing better than I give myself credit. I have two beautiful children and my health a job and a roof over my head. I also have a wonderful man in my life who makes me so happy.

Yes, things are tight and I have had many ruff spots but now my life is actually turning around. I say my prayers and will be going back to church very soon to help me live a christian life. My children are doing better all the time and we are enjoying our time together along with the memories of trips and times spent together.

I am so grateful for my friends because without them I wouldn't have gotten this far. It is so nice to have such a great support group. Unfortunately I don't really have any who live close but we have the internet and that will always keep us close.

So I will finish the holiday season with a better attitude and I thank God everyday for the life I have been given.

What a good weekend with the kids! The three of us traveled up north to Redwood City for a soccer tournament. The team that Tori is on stayed at the same place the beginning of the season. The hotel was very nice and we felt like royalty. We packed the usual stuff were looking forward to seeing everyone else come in. One of the team Moms and I stayed up till two just talking about life and kids and the typical girl stuff. It was so nice to have another adult to chat with and understood the military lifestyle. We of course called it a night (actually morning) so we could get a little sleep before the first game at 9 meaning we had to be at the field by 8:15.

The hotel served a hot breakfast so we were up early and headed out for the days of games. The morning was a little brisk but we were prepared. The other family offered to take Tori to the field so we didn't have to rush. Tim and I hung out for a little while then we headed to the field. It was cooler there than at the hotel because the ground was so damp. The girls played pretty good and unfortunately in the end lost by one goal. Their spirits were down but they played good. We did a picnic type of lunch with the whole team which was nice because until this point I still didn't know who belonged to whom. The second game was tuff the team we played were very good but played dirty at the same time. Throwing high elbows and pulling on uniforms and things of that nature. We realize soccer is physical but there are some rules to the game and with agility this team had there was no reason to play dirty. We lost this one as well but the girls did their best to keep them from scoring the second half.

After the day we all went back to the hotel and had a pool party followed by a cookout it was nice to just relax some. Unfortunately I wasn't able to partake in to much since I had a migrane. I visited for a little while then went to the room to rest and try and get rid of my headache. It never happened though. All the older siblings hung our and watched movies while the smaller ones also watched a movie so it was nice to have quite time. I tried to do homework but with me head hurting so much I just called it a night.

Sunday our last game of the season and tournament. We played at 1 and the girls tried to play well but you could tell their spirit was gone so it was a non scoring game not the best way to end it but hey it wasn't a loss either. Tori sat the bench most of the game which was very disappointing and she felt as if being punished. I tried to bring her spirits up and she said that she is glad they have a break for a while. I am hoping to work with her over this break to strenghten her skills for winter season.

So that about wraps up my weekend and we all enjoyed ourselves and wished that we have talked and met each other sooner.

Why is it the Dad is always viewed as the cool guy? So things are going pretty good until I recieve and email stating what he is buying the kids for Christmas and that I can accessories the gifts. I am so tired of being the one struggling to make it and not being able to buy the children the fun stuff. Why am I the one getting punished when I was the parent who has alway been there in good times and bad. I know he is a service member but so am I and I still managed to be there and give the nurturing that the children needed.

I am so trying to just split everything but days like this make me want to get everything the courts usually apply in a divorce. I realize that I would be taking half of his pay on a monthly basis because I know how much money means to him I chose to do without any type of support and split the costs for the kids, whether is sports, school, clothes ect. Now I am rethinking my thoughts and wandering if I am doing the right thing. I just do not want a long drawn out divorce I want to get out and move one once and for all.

I am so tired of this fight and really wish I had stuck to my original plan and waited until after Timothy was born to get married. The good part about not waiting is we now have Tori which I am ever so grateful but the heartache and pain after that wonderful present has been enough. I know it will get better but in the mean time I am just a little angry right now, yes I said it aI am angry right now.

I am so glad its Wednesday because now the week is half over. I had a pretty boring workday but after work is when things got interesting. I did the usual pick the kids up except Tim is in football so we wait until practice is over. I needed to desperately wash my truck so I went to get that done to find out the place is closed and so I drive to another one but all the roads are no left turns or u turns. This is where things go down hill. I finally get back to the place get my truck washed and then wait until Tim is done. Its Tuesday and that is my night for the kids so we head to my house and as I put my work laptop down my phone rings and its H asking if we can all come over for dinner since he got the movie Wall-E and asked if I would pick up Pizza. When the kids heard that how was I supposed to say no.

So we leave and pick up pizza get to his house and realize Tim has left his backpack at my house. I drive back over there change clothes head out the door and realize I never grabbed his backpack. I turn around and get it at this point I am frustrated because I wanted to call my man and that isn't happening. I need to go to the college since my time is running out for finishing these classes. I get to H's house and we grab some pizza sit down and I have to leave at 6:30 so I can get some time in the lab at school.

While at school I realize that my time is even shorter because all tests have to be done by the 12th of December whis is only three weeks away. I have 7 units that I am taking currently, have only started two of them. I need to have all the course work done by the 10th so if I need to retake a test I have the time to do it. Yikes! I am in trouble.

So now all my free time will be doing these course because I need to get the cert plus it will be a waste of $500 and it will affect my year end performance at work. Why do I alway do this to myself. But on another note I am going on Monday afternoon to see how many classes I need for the nursing program. I will get my AA first then continue with the BA side since most colleges here don't offer the BA side. Life is never easy.

Today started off pretty foggy and the temperature was mid 50's. I have been at work milling around stuff but not very busy at all. I get excited when asked to help the other guys out thinking it will help the day to go by faster. Only to realize that the project was very simple and then I scrounge for something else.

I was turned on to this blogging by an old friend (not meaning old) but we met when were still teenagers. We worked in the grocery store together and from that time on we have remained friends throughout life's journeys. I joined the service and moved away and then she left NC and moved to SC and now resides in FL. Thank goodness for technology because we were able to keep in touch originally by mail then phone and now the computer.

We both have been through many trials in our lives and we have been there for each other the entire time. Although it has been twelve years since we have seen each other we still keep each other informed of changes in our lives and how are children are doing. This blogging has helped be to express some of my feelings the last couple of days due to all the changes in my life what a therapeutic tool. I am so very grateful to keep in touch and cannot wait for the day that we can embrace each other in a hug someday soon.

My hats are off to good friends and love.

It's Monday

So just when I think things are going good I get hit with an email saying my son doesn't want to visit Moms any more. Wow didn't expect that one. I guess I am not cool anymore and I don't do enough guy stuff. I know that divorce is hard on kids and I am doing my best to keep the peace and play nice. I remember what it was like when I grew up and faced it twice with my Mom. I just don't understand why people cannot move on.

My ex is hard to understand sometimes we discuss things and then I get jabs back after it was his idea. Why am I the one who gets the blamed, when in all reality there isn't one person to blame. A failed relationship was due to two people not one.

I am trying to make it through my work day and keep it together after the weekend I had. Now this drama today , will it ever end? Somedays I dream of walking away from it all or wish that something would happen to just take me away this way everyone can live their life and move on.

The weekend drama

What a weekend, I had a luncheon that I put together for work and it turned out nice. Then I get a phone call that my furniture will be delivered at 2 today (Friday) instead of Saturday. I am excited about getting it but didn't want to leave work early. Well I went to get my furniture which also meant that I couldn't pick the kids up from school. I called and had their Dad do it which is fine, but then, he explains that they cannot come over until their rooms are clean and their chores are done. I start upacking boxes as they unload the trailer and put things aside for him since I won't use the stuff and he wanted it.

Sometimes I think no matter how hard you try to get along it just doesn't happen.

I was trying to be nice and make sure that he has his tools and yard stuff since he enjoys working in the yard. I called and asked that he bring the truck over to get his things and of course I get the let me look at it and see if I want it

As if the day didn't get worse I had upset the new person in my life because I am slowly draining all of my bank accounts to make ends meet. This person wants to help me but I didn't feel comfortable taking money from him. Not that I wouldn't, just didn't feel it was his place. This is where I have issues because of the type of marriage I was in. I do not like being dependent on someone else nor do I ever want to hear all I do is spend his money. Wait if we are supposed to be a team and we both work isn't it our money? (Just a thought)

So needless to say I start his day off bad because I wouldn't ask for help. He is moving here after the 1st of the year and will pay is share of bills but I didn't feel comfortable asking for help so soon. This sent things into a tailspin and it just kept getting worse because he had a crappy day at work. We talked some but didn't set things straight. On Saturday my daughter had a soccer game in San Jose so it was a ride and her Dad wasn't going to go but changed his mind and picked us up so we could ride together. It wasn't to bad but there was no conversation in either direction let alone while at the game. I was going to drive myself but took the offer of the ride to save gas and mileage on my truck. This caused even more problems because I forgot and left my phone in the car and I was with him. Needless to say I felt as if I was being punished and it just wouldn't end.

The game went well Tori played well and the girls fought hard to win but unfortunately lost by one goal. The weather was beautiful and I got to see here play and spend time with both my children. We got home and started unpacking boxes again. Yeah! not so much.

Due to not having my phone there were messages from my man and he wasn't happy with me at all. He was having a really bad day and needed to talk but I wasn't answering. I tried to explain but it didn't matter he was to far gone. As the day went on I knew it was going to be interesting when he got off work. He sent me a message finally saying he was off and that is when we started to work on this issue. I tried to explain myself and once I told him that I was with my ex that didn't help matters at all. We talked off and on but it wasn't good conversation and to be honest I didn't know what to do to fix the problem. Finally around 11:00 that night we worked through all of the problems and started mending things to start Sunday out much better.

Sunday was a nice day slept in some and then I cooked breakfast and started tackling the rest of the boxes in one of the kids room. The kids played outside for a while and of course I was inside trying to organize and scale down what I had. I felt much better about my relationship with my new man but it worries me how he gets angry and then I am blunt of it. I know that due to the two blasts he recieved this is a problem but lately it seems to be getting worse. The seperation between us is really driving a wedge which causes its own problems. He is by himself where I get to spend time with my kids and that bothers him quite a bit because he wants to be here with us.

Ugg what a weekend glad its over and I feel much better now.

Friday November 14, 2008

Do we ever feel comfortable financially to stop worrying about money? I find myself thinking about it more and more everyday. Just when I think I have a handle on it something else comes up. Recently seperated has been an eye opener I used to shop whenever and never worry about when the next check is coming. Now however, I worry am I going to have enough to make all the bills, put gas in my truck and buy groceries. I am not really complaining just a very humbling experience. I grew up scraping pennies to buy bread and promised myself I would never go back.

I have so many things to be greatful for even if I don't have much money. I have two beautiful children and a man who really loves me and accepts me for who I am. I have grown so much since my return from Iraq. I completed my bachelors degree and I also gained confidence to move on and live life. I believe that when you love someone you should mean it and not make it a chore or please that person because you feel that is how its supposed to be. Love should be something that you cannot control and come naturally not an effort. If you love someone let them know but only say "I love you" if you really mean it.

As a woman we face many challenges and being the person to make the first move from a 14 year marriage was pretty tough but in my heart I knew it was the right thing to do. I had a bad habit of always making things appear as if nothing was wrong when inside I was dying and lost who I was from when we first met and got married. I do realize that people change over time but that doesn't mean you forget about the relationship. The one thing people don't talk about when it comes to marriage are the challenges and how to make it grow and stay strong. I asked myself many times am I in this for the right reasons and the answer kept coming up the same "no". I knew after trying time and time again it was time to end and start over. I never meant to hurt him but knew that it would get ugly if I stayed. I have to say that I am much happier now and every day becomes a little easier. I spend more quality time with my two children and I can keep promises and love someone completely now.