What a Blow!

I guess fairytales do not last forever. Yesterday I got home after a normal workday and changed my clothes and got ready for a run. My sweetheart and I went for an amazing run even though I had a stomache. I had this strange feeling all day that something was going to happen. After an amazing run and a cool down I got the hey I got this call today.
Since my hormones are already in an uproar I tried my best to not go off the deep end. The Sherriff's department from Whatcom County ( where he is from ) called asking him to come in for phase 4 testing.
So me being who I am said he should go because he has wanted this for so long. I was fighting back the tears and anger because he just got here and is getting settled in. We talked about it and I explained that its a great opportunity and that we will get through this no matter what. He shouldn't even worry about me and if need be I can pack his stuff and send it to him. Of course he was a little shocked by my reaction but who am I to hold him back. I know in my heart that he turned all the other offers down for this one. I don't want him to leave so soon but will support him no matter what and hope that if this all goes through he will still want to be a part of my life.
As the night went on we talked off and on and I have preparted myself for the worst because lately that is what usually happens.
I had a nightmare just the night before where he left and many other things happened in that one as well. I pray that God helps us through this. I also wish him luck as we make flight arrangements for him to go back for his testing.

Memories

After a long weekend together, I have realized that I am more in love than I thought possible. I have a wonderful man who not only wants to be with me but he also cooks for me. The weekend was a busy weekend cleaning out rooms and organizing what we have and getting rid of what we don't need. I have a few boxed to ship out to people just not sure when the will happen.

We cleaned out the bedroom so now Tori has an actual space of her own. I just need a dresser to complete the room. We also cleaned up Tim's room and he now has a few more pieces of furniture in there. The storage shed is also organized so we are able to find things and get to the decorations for the different holidays.

It was nice having help the entire time and we also took a day to just spend together and relax getting some errands done as well. I never knew this is what life could be like. I am not counting my eggs before they hatch either. I just want to take it slow and make sure we are on the same page.

Another Day in the Life of Divorce!

Why is it people say one thing and do another. So this entire time I have tried to do the right thing and be objective only to find out that lawyers are going to be involved. It totally amazes me that he honestly thinks that I am that dumb. I have verbally agreed to not take things that I am authorized to have half. In this process I realized that our children should be more important and that is the main reason I am not seeking more.

I just wanted out of a marriage that wasn't working and hadn't been for a long time. I wanted our children to grow up with what love should be and not have them think that control and belittling is normal. I wanted to be equal and have input on major decisions and feel important to the other person and not just a maid, housewife or anything along those lines.

I stupidly thought that if I kept a clean house and cooked meal, took care of the kids and worked a job to bring in my share that we should be equal and would feel important and special. All to realize that I was never in the top 5 nor would I be until the kids were grown and gone. I was asked to continue my education to better myself and stay equal when all that did was cause problems and have the other person tell me what type of degree I should pursue. I am very glad that I did follow with my bachelors and will continue my degree plan here in the near future.

I only hope that through this entire process that I can be the better person and stick to what I agreed upon with a few minor changes. I have worked just as hard and sacrificed many things in order for our children to have what they need. I have had to swallow my pride a little and ask for help from my family to get a lawyer as well to make sure that we are on the same page.

Through the grace of God I will survive.

Weekends

The weekends never seem to last long enough. This weekend was pretty busy and went very well. This was the first weekend that we all spent it together under the new house and living conditions. Friday was nice and Mike and I went for a run while the kids were getting settled. Then it was game time for Tim and movies for the rest of us. The quality time was great.

The kids did really well there was a little bit of moodiness but that was discussed and ignored from there on out. Amazing how one household can be so different. Tori had her first indoor soccer game and it was fun watching the girls play. She also got to play goalee for the first time and did really well.

It was different because H and I had a little confrontation but it needed to happen. I am no longer under his control and he needed to know that I will not tolerate him controling my life or using our children to get information. Life is too short to be in some elses business. We should all live our own lives and be happy with much laughter in it along with memories.

I am so blessed to have two beautiful children and a man who truly loves me and helps me everyday and vice versa. I thank God for bringing him into our lives and look forward to the future together.

As the week goes by!

Children are a wonderful thing. This week started off very challenging and now it seems as if averything is normal again. The kids are adjusting well and asking questions as to why the new Man in my life cannot help out with taking them to school or attending sporting events. I explained last night that their Dad didn't want him there right now.

Funny how the "mouth of babe" is sometimes directed in the other direction. I do understand that there were some uncertainties and now through honest conversations and much love they realize that life will be somewhat normal. Besides what is the definition of normal? I feel its what you make it.

I have been doing my daily devotions every morning and saying my prayers and things are looking up. What a beautiful world we live in. I know I am not out of the woods yet but it sure looks nice right now.

The new love of my life is there helping me everyday and willing to listen. Our love for each other just keeps getting stronger and stronger. I am so grateful the God has brought us together.

Family

Life is so much better with family. I have to give thanks to my Mom because she is standing beside me even more now. These past few days have been pretty tough emotionally. Thanks God for Moms I love mine more than life itself.

Since my mother has been down this road before she has some wisdom to help me through this difficult time. I have also giving this to God to help me with my words and emotions in order to be stronger and not let my feelings shine through so easily.

As the Days Go by!

Wouldn't life be boring if we were all given instructions on how to live it? Over the past few weeks I have had a great deal of time to myself to think and rationalize over the decisions and changes occurring in my life. Many of them have made my life better but some have created more complications.

Divorce is probably one of the hardest things I have ever been through. As a child watching my Mom go through it didn't seem to bad. Now that I am going through a divorce of my own my heart aches for my children. I know they are very confused and worried. I am at a loss at how to make them feel better except for showing them love and attention.

I am also dealing with my ex who is trying to make everything out to be my problem and the blunt of the reasons we didn't work out. I wish sometimes that he would admit his faults and not put the blame all on me because the last time I checked marriage was between two people.

I do have anger about the situation and vent when the kids aren't around. I am doing my best to keep my head up high and thank God for what I have.

The New Year

So far this year is off to a rocky start. I didn't celebrate the New Year like I had hoped but that is ok. I have come to realize that it isn't about the party scene or having fairy tale type of expectations of what New Years eve should be like. I can say that I am so grateful to be healthy and in love. I was without my children and that hurt more than I can describe but I made it through.

Mike, Eric and I packed up his apartment to head to California and things went very well. We took our time and loaded the uhaul trailer and then went to dinner with some friends and relaxed. Friday I got to spend the day with Teresa which was very nice because we got to get to know each other even more. I am so happy to have found a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally.

As we are driving from WA to CA I get a phone call from my ex who says we really need to talk about the current situation. So what do I do go into the defensive mode and then calm down to try and rationally talk about what the issues are. Well needless to say I am the bad guy and I don't communicate with my children and they should be more important. I try to keep my temper in check. As the conversation ends I have said a few prayers and know that we will all get through this change.

My life has started over and now I am so very happy with the person I love and all that needs to happen is for my children to come home and all of us grow together in God and live better lives.