I had such a wonderful Christmas with the love of my life. Yes, I was without my children but the love that I felt that day really helped me through the day. I got so many amazing gifts and felt welcomed with open arms from his family. I still haven't talked to my children simply because they are not answering their phones. I am texting and leaving messages. I hve to say this is very hard for me because I usually talke to them more often.

I am saying my prayers and hoping that its because they are busy. But I can honestly say that I do not like this silence I am experiencing right now. Mike is at work which means I am here by myself. I would get out but the weather isn't the greatest. Today I have been doing some training for work and just watching TV. I need to get motivated but its a little hard right now.

I just pray for peace in my life and a safe drive back to California with Mike.

Tis the Season

So here it is the kids are done with school for a few weeks in order to Celebrate Christ's birth what a wonderful thing. I am so grateful this year to have my children in good schools and learning about religion. We used to go to church and over the years we slacked off. We still say our prayers which are very important. Today is a hard day for me simply because with all the changes in my life this year I am spending Christmas without my two wonderful children.

Last night I dropped them off at their Dad's and had to say that good bye for two weeks. Wow, was that hard Tori and I didn't want to stop hugging and Tim he was being a teenager and went up stairs like it wasn't a big deal. Of course I left in tears and my heart hurting so bad but I managed. I had a wonderful man waiting for my call to help me through this transition. The guilt sets in when you see your children such a mess. But I realize that what I did was for the best.

Now my new life begins, I will have this weekend and part of next week to prepare for my new life. I am every excited about being happy every day and being with someone who loves me and lets me love them back completely. I can talk about my day and not worry if its a topic he doesn't want to hear about. I get to be me the person who was lost for so long.

I am starting new traditions and making new memories that will last a life time. I look forward to the snow and cold as well. I also look forward to the drive back home together to our place.

A little about the kids though they have gone through many changes and I appluad them for being such good troopers. I know this has been really hard for them and we talk about all their feelings and how we will get through this. There is always good that comes out of every change and this is the communication part with all the changes both my children talk to me more now than before and we do family type meetings to discuss our feeling or how things are going. Tim my oldest is going through so many changes due to his age and we also talk about those and Tori she is adjusting to not having her friend group anymore. It is nice to know that both my children feel comfortable talking to me.

Our family will do Christmas in January and we will all be together and happy and make new traditions and start the new year together

Living with the decision for divorce

No one said life would be easy. Marriage can be very blissful but it is a two way street. After 14 years of questions of why did I get married and did I do it for the right reasons? Many years of unhappiness and dealing with all the moves and changes not only for myself but our children as well. I made the decision after some serious thought that my marriage was over a few years ago and I needed to just do what needed to be done to officially end it.

During this process I did meet someone who I have so much in common with and we became very good friends. Once I made the announcement that I wanted a divorce this friend and I started pursuing things from a different level. Not only was this hard for the two of us but I also needed to have the acceptance from my children. I have said many prayers and realized that I was at fault also. I was tired of making all the changes and starting over time after time without even being thought of. Am I asking to much to be considered important and not thought of as money.

Yes, my children were very upset and they still go through the emotions of us not being together but they also have accepted that we are both much happier (at least I am). I am trying to be the nice person and just get out but as time passes I realize that isn't so easy and many times I want to rethink my decisions. I have just as much invested as he does and its very unfortunate that he makes more money than me but he is a man.

Yes I have day where I am very angry but I realize that it isn't worth being a cry babe over it. I just need to be happy and take care of my children. The best way to do that is living a life where happiness is seen and the love us abundant. We will also have God in our lives and if he can forgive me than that means I can forgive myself.

Friday is finally here!

Yeah! I am so glad its Friday. I can finally get a little break. I am excited about spending this weekend with my wonderful children. It is hard knowing that we will be apart for the holidays this year but we will all get through it. I do not have any decorations up yet and that is something we are planning on doing. The kids have their Christmas show tonight and I am looking forward to that as well.

The whole divorce thing isn't so bad except when it comes to the children. Of course I want them with me I have been there the entire time. I sacrificed and let the kids stay with their Dad for many reasons. Number one is that I didn't have any furniture in my place for the first two months and two he needed to experience what it is really like doing it all on your own. During the years of our marriage I would hear when he deployed that it isn't that hard we can change places. Funny how now he makes comments about not having any time for himself. Humm, imagine that. Do I feel sorry for him no. My children yes because their idea of a perfect family has fallen apart. Am I happier now absolutely. I have a wonderful man in my life who treats me like a an equal and a person.

I am celebrating the holiday this year with a very heavy heart and through God's prayers we will get through this time. I wish my children a Merry Christmas and bring them home safely. I am not sure what I would have done without God in my life to get me through this rough spot in my life.

Life as it is

I am sitting at my desk and very thankful for everything I have. As the holidays approach we all tend to get a little crazy and forget the real reason for the season. Which is Christ dying on the cross for our sins. I have noticed more people are out on the streets asking for money or food. I also read an article the other day stating how many people were laid off last month. I am so thankful to have my job. I thank the Lord everyday to be where I am and have my children and a wonderful man in my life.

We all go through changes and challenges but that is what life is all about. Today reading an email there was a quote from the Dali Lama "Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it". Wow isn't that true if we all look back through our lives I am sure many times we have given up things to get where we are today. I know I have given up many things and today I have someone who supports me 100% in order to be happy and by myside. What a difference than before. I am still skiddish at times simply because during our differences things are said or brought to our attention and that wall goes up to keep me from getting hurt which does cause more problems.

This weekend was another weekend of differences due to me being on reserve duty and not having the time to chat or talk as usual. When I did get the time I didn't respond as I should have and went on with my normal routine instead of taking the time to communicate and work things out. Today we are much better and I realize that I am a little selfish simply because my reserve weekends caused so many problems in my marriage that I wasn't going to let that happen with this relationship. I do love him very much and I am so looking forward to the next step.

I have also learned over the past two years that communication is the key and it takes both parties for it to happen. I listen more and talk less in order to understand what is going on.

As for the holiday and gifts it is a slim Christmas but many new memories will be made and those can never be bought. I am so looking forward to seeing what lies ahead of us.

Preparing for the Holidays

As we all start our shopping and decorating the stress starts about how can we manage everything from day to day. I almost got myself completely caught up on the idea of making sure I have everyone covered and truely forgot the reason we celebrate. I am so thankful to have Christ in my life who helps me everyday.

After reading through some different posts of friends it came to me that I am doing better than I give myself credit. I have two beautiful children and my health a job and a roof over my head. I also have a wonderful man in my life who makes me so happy.

Yes, things are tight and I have had many ruff spots but now my life is actually turning around. I say my prayers and will be going back to church very soon to help me live a christian life. My children are doing better all the time and we are enjoying our time together along with the memories of trips and times spent together.

I am so grateful for my friends because without them I wouldn't have gotten this far. It is so nice to have such a great support group. Unfortunately I don't really have any who live close but we have the internet and that will always keep us close.

So I will finish the holiday season with a better attitude and I thank God everyday for the life I have been given.