This morning I woke up to my alarm so wanting to just stay in bed and sleep the day away. I haven't been feeling the greatest these days. I am sure its just fatigue due to stress and everyday life but I am a little concerned. My temper seems a little short and I just don't feel like dealing with drama or making everyone happy.
Over the past years I felt it was my job to make sure everyone was happy but now I am trying to take care of me. Then when I make changes or try to take care of me I feel guilty. This changing process is a challenge and I am not sure which way to go.
I am struggling with what to do next in my life or what road do I travel down. I want to be near my children but not near my ex. I need to have a job but with economy the way it is I am not sure what to do.
My relationships is up and down and as of lately I am not sure we will make it forever. I truly want to try but with our disagreements not sure if we really have a chance. I have given this to the Lord and I am patiently waiting without putting more stress on myself.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Blessing from the Power up Above
Today I feel like the pressure has been lifted. I had to sit down and go over the financial from the divorce with my very soon to be ex. I said several prayers during the day and once right before we met to make the words be the ones from God not mine. For the most part I was successful. As much as I don't want to rehash things it has become hard because when I spend time with my children they say things that is obviously from an adult conversation. I know from experience that when their is children involved this process is much harder.
I am truly concerned for both of my children because with having two different households its very evident that they at time try to play both of us. They are my number one priority, many things will be changing the summer of 2010. I am glad the we got this last portion on paper and now we can truly both move on with our own lives. It does saden me that after all this time he wants to be more honest. This is the difference between men and women. We usually try to talk about the things that bother us. Where guys don't generally realize that there is a problem until they loose that person.
I praise God for getting me through this process and I pray for his help this year and for my children to be safe, healthy and honest. There has been blessing through this trial in my life. I have become stronger in my faith and closer to my mother. I do have a wonderful man in my life and through God's words we will hopefully become stronger as well.
I am truly concerned for both of my children because with having two different households its very evident that they at time try to play both of us. They are my number one priority, many things will be changing the summer of 2010. I am glad the we got this last portion on paper and now we can truly both move on with our own lives. It does saden me that after all this time he wants to be more honest. This is the difference between men and women. We usually try to talk about the things that bother us. Where guys don't generally realize that there is a problem until they loose that person.
I praise God for getting me through this process and I pray for his help this year and for my children to be safe, healthy and honest. There has been blessing through this trial in my life. I have become stronger in my faith and closer to my mother. I do have a wonderful man in my life and through God's words we will hopefully become stronger as well.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Changes in Life
As we grow older many things change. Our lives change as well. I have been going through a divorce and never thought it would be as hard as it has been. In a few short weeks the process will be over and hopefully the healing will start. Its funny how you can spend 14 years with a person and never really know who they are. Over this past year I have changed myself and I like the changes that have occured.
I think the hardest part is watching my children go through this with the worry of upseting one parent or having to choose where to live. Many people have told me not to be the nice person but my heart and faith lead me to do the right things. It wasn't easy taking all the crap and being accused of things that weren't true. In my heart I know the truth and someday so with my children.
I do have a wonderful man who does take care of me from time to time. The bad part is with all the things that have happened over the years I have become pretty independent and won't rely on him completely which has caused its own problems. After being in a relationship for 14 years I didn't want to rely on anyone I needed to do something myself. This was good and bad because it caused undue hardship on myself supporting the household. The worst part is I have completely drained my savings and now when I need the extra money to move or do anything it isn't there. I have really humbled myself because to me making sure my children have what they need is important. Its sad because they never want me to buy them anything because their father has told them I cannot afford to buy them things. I would rather be in debt then know that my children feel sorry for me because of money.
I have also made the bond between my mother and I much stronger through this as well. We email almost every day now and usually talk a few times a week. It is hard because I am on the other coast pretty much by myself. I miss my family and hope to be back there next year. I am stronger in my faith as well and this summer both of my children became christians which I am so proud of them for making that next step in their lives.
I also have a good friend who has been there to discuss and support me as well. Without those two people in my life I am not sure I would be standing here today. I hope that someday I can repay the favor for someone else.
I think the hardest part is watching my children go through this with the worry of upseting one parent or having to choose where to live. Many people have told me not to be the nice person but my heart and faith lead me to do the right things. It wasn't easy taking all the crap and being accused of things that weren't true. In my heart I know the truth and someday so with my children.
I do have a wonderful man who does take care of me from time to time. The bad part is with all the things that have happened over the years I have become pretty independent and won't rely on him completely which has caused its own problems. After being in a relationship for 14 years I didn't want to rely on anyone I needed to do something myself. This was good and bad because it caused undue hardship on myself supporting the household. The worst part is I have completely drained my savings and now when I need the extra money to move or do anything it isn't there. I have really humbled myself because to me making sure my children have what they need is important. Its sad because they never want me to buy them anything because their father has told them I cannot afford to buy them things. I would rather be in debt then know that my children feel sorry for me because of money.
I have also made the bond between my mother and I much stronger through this as well. We email almost every day now and usually talk a few times a week. It is hard because I am on the other coast pretty much by myself. I miss my family and hope to be back there next year. I am stronger in my faith as well and this summer both of my children became christians which I am so proud of them for making that next step in their lives.
I also have a good friend who has been there to discuss and support me as well. Without those two people in my life I am not sure I would be standing here today. I hope that someday I can repay the favor for someone else.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Lifes Challenges
Do you ever wake up and questions almost everything about your life? These are some pretty deep questions to ask. It can be about the job you currently have or how your life is going. Once you start to analyze those areas of concern now its time to break them all down and figure out what to change or what can be changed or how to deal with what you have.
As I walk through life there were many times that I felt very alone and unhappy. My feeling of unhappiness has faded away since I have started living my life with Christ everyday. I have always believed in God but until a few months back I didn't realize what all that really entailed. I now wake up looking forward to my devotion of the day. I am trying to live a better life and constantly praying for the right direction and protection from the everyday challenges.
I feel more confident than I ever have. I also know that the counseling that I endure after my return from Iraq was one of the best things I could have ever done. My life is not normal by any means and my concern for my children is very intense. I truly want what is best for them. I know that someday when they are grown they will understand what went on a little better.
I am trying to make the right choices and say things that will not hurt either party of this divorce. I am so thankful for my Mom and friends that have been there for me every step of the way. These choices have been very tough but I can say they were done for the right reasons and I feel so much better about them also.
I feel like this process will never end and that it will be a constant battle. I have a wondeful man in my life but there are times when I feel that he doesn't really understand what is going on. My children are the world to me and no matter how bad they treat me they will always be mine. I don't like conflict or the pressures of what will happen this weekend and do I need to be on guard because of attitudes. He is supportive but he has a problem when the kids are not treating me properly. The children are going through so many changes right now and with having two different house to go to it makes things difficult. I do understand that its easier to choose one house over the other simply because all of their stuff is there and that is where they are currently comfortable. I don't like being the person who is on the outskirts waiting for them to realize that I love them and want to spend time with them. Recently I have felt like the bad person simply because they are so angry with me that I get treated like a piece of dirt on the floor only needed occasionally. This has caused some concern in my relationship which is hard because he feels that they are using me and I will take what ever I can get because its so minimal these days.
I have to say that this week has been much better. I had a long talk with my daughter and she now understands that I have feelings too. My son wanted to spend more time with me and we are having great conversations also. I am hoping that things stay this way but I am sure there will be more hiccups to follow.
I know that with Jesus by my side that I will get through this.
As I walk through life there were many times that I felt very alone and unhappy. My feeling of unhappiness has faded away since I have started living my life with Christ everyday. I have always believed in God but until a few months back I didn't realize what all that really entailed. I now wake up looking forward to my devotion of the day. I am trying to live a better life and constantly praying for the right direction and protection from the everyday challenges.
I feel more confident than I ever have. I also know that the counseling that I endure after my return from Iraq was one of the best things I could have ever done. My life is not normal by any means and my concern for my children is very intense. I truly want what is best for them. I know that someday when they are grown they will understand what went on a little better.
I am trying to make the right choices and say things that will not hurt either party of this divorce. I am so thankful for my Mom and friends that have been there for me every step of the way. These choices have been very tough but I can say they were done for the right reasons and I feel so much better about them also.
I feel like this process will never end and that it will be a constant battle. I have a wondeful man in my life but there are times when I feel that he doesn't really understand what is going on. My children are the world to me and no matter how bad they treat me they will always be mine. I don't like conflict or the pressures of what will happen this weekend and do I need to be on guard because of attitudes. He is supportive but he has a problem when the kids are not treating me properly. The children are going through so many changes right now and with having two different house to go to it makes things difficult. I do understand that its easier to choose one house over the other simply because all of their stuff is there and that is where they are currently comfortable. I don't like being the person who is on the outskirts waiting for them to realize that I love them and want to spend time with them. Recently I have felt like the bad person simply because they are so angry with me that I get treated like a piece of dirt on the floor only needed occasionally. This has caused some concern in my relationship which is hard because he feels that they are using me and I will take what ever I can get because its so minimal these days.
I have to say that this week has been much better. I had a long talk with my daughter and she now understands that I have feelings too. My son wanted to spend more time with me and we are having great conversations also. I am hoping that things stay this way but I am sure there will be more hiccups to follow.
I know that with Jesus by my side that I will get through this.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Love is In the Air
This is a beautiful Monday morning and I am so very blessed. I just spent the most amazing weekend with the love of my life. The weather was fantastic and the food was great. We put many miles on this weekend and covered so much ground.
San Francisco was amazing we stayed in a small hotel that was perfect for what we planned. We got up the next moring after our arrival and headed down to the Fisherman's wharf for our early tour of Alcatraz. We stopped at a wonderful bread store and grabbed some breakfast sandwiches which were fantastic. We boarded the boat and cruised over to Alcatraz for a breath taking adventure with many twists and turns. It was awesome to be able to share this experience with someone so dear to me. I have waited a long time to be able to do things like this. I am so grateful to have Mike in my life.
After we spent several hours on the island we headed back to the mainland and grabbed some lunch which was very good also clam chowder. Yummy! Then we walked around for a little while layed in the park and rested and back to the room for relax and figure out what to do next. We had a little date night with some fantastic dinner and a movie. Got up the next morning took our time and had breakfast in the hotel and headed for coffe. (Gotta to have good coffee in the am) then we came back and packed up and headed for the Golden Gate bridge. We drive to the other side and walked across the bridge taking in another day of great weather and enjoying each others company. Wow I am so blessed.
San Francisco was amazing we stayed in a small hotel that was perfect for what we planned. We got up the next moring after our arrival and headed down to the Fisherman's wharf for our early tour of Alcatraz. We stopped at a wonderful bread store and grabbed some breakfast sandwiches which were fantastic. We boarded the boat and cruised over to Alcatraz for a breath taking adventure with many twists and turns. It was awesome to be able to share this experience with someone so dear to me. I have waited a long time to be able to do things like this. I am so grateful to have Mike in my life.
After we spent several hours on the island we headed back to the mainland and grabbed some lunch which was very good also clam chowder. Yummy! Then we walked around for a little while layed in the park and rested and back to the room for relax and figure out what to do next. We had a little date night with some fantastic dinner and a movie. Got up the next morning took our time and had breakfast in the hotel and headed for coffe. (Gotta to have good coffee in the am) then we came back and packed up and headed for the Golden Gate bridge. We drive to the other side and walked across the bridge taking in another day of great weather and enjoying each others company. Wow I am so blessed.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Communication
As we go through life we communicate on a daily basis. But do we truly talk to hear ourselves or is this talking making a difference. I have learned the hardway the just because you talk doesn't mean that you are communicating. Recently I had a long conversation with the new Man of my life. From past experience I have learned to be honest and speak to the other person by using words that do not put blame on the other one. As the times passes we all learn more about each other and sometimes this could bother us or we can choose to accept that person for who they are. I have always been a very understanding person and put everyone else before me. This particular situation I decided to be honest and put myself first.
After being away from each other for a few weeks there was some concern on both parties. We sat down and decided to talk about the current situation and what was happening. For the first time every I was completely honest and stated my true feelings and concerns. I feel so much better and this brought the two of us even closer together. I do believe that God works in mysterious ways. I am trying to be more proactive in this relationship and communicate better.
If there is anything to gain from this posting it would be to speak from the heart and use words that come from you without putting blame or having anger to them. Explain your concerns in a manner that shows the future or what may happen if there needs to be a change.
After being away from each other for a few weeks there was some concern on both parties. We sat down and decided to talk about the current situation and what was happening. For the first time every I was completely honest and stated my true feelings and concerns. I feel so much better and this brought the two of us even closer together. I do believe that God works in mysterious ways. I am trying to be more proactive in this relationship and communicate better.
If there is anything to gain from this posting it would be to speak from the heart and use words that come from you without putting blame or having anger to them. Explain your concerns in a manner that shows the future or what may happen if there needs to be a change.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Life Changes
As we mature in our lives we tend to view things differently. I know that after serving in Iraq my viewpoint on life is much different. I try not to worry about things I cannot control and family is so important to me.
I am struggling these days with the seperation and lack of time with my children. It seems everytime I turn around there is some reason in their head to spend less time with me. I am doing much better at not showing my feelings and being so upset but once they go back to their house I fall apart. I am a very strong person but I have to admit that this scares me to death. I am not sure that I can succeed in life without them by my side.
The way I view life now is one day at a time and the planning part of my life has been put on hold simply because with the unknown there is no purpose to plan. I do pray everyday and somedays it seems as if I say a prayer every few hours.
I do know that from now on there will be no rushing into anything and the decisions that I make will be well thought out. Isn't life grand!
I am struggling these days with the seperation and lack of time with my children. It seems everytime I turn around there is some reason in their head to spend less time with me. I am doing much better at not showing my feelings and being so upset but once they go back to their house I fall apart. I am a very strong person but I have to admit that this scares me to death. I am not sure that I can succeed in life without them by my side.
The way I view life now is one day at a time and the planning part of my life has been put on hold simply because with the unknown there is no purpose to plan. I do pray everyday and somedays it seems as if I say a prayer every few hours.
I do know that from now on there will be no rushing into anything and the decisions that I make will be well thought out. Isn't life grand!
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