Many times we go through struggles and when we start to see the light it seems that something else sneaks in and takes it away. I am doing what I can to make it through each day. Some days are better than others and then I have days that I just don't want to fight anymore. If I didn't have so much debt I would pack up right now and move back home. I am trying my best to go back home with less debt and move myself so that I don't create more debt. I am afraid and worried because I might be leaving a job and then its the search for a new one.
I will be leaving my children which is hard but they have already left me so I guess its fair play. I often wander where I went wrong and what I really did to make them hurt me so much. I did my very best to be a good parent and have them enjoy life. I didn't want them to struggle like I did wandering if both parentts really love them. How funny because is seems they love one parent more than the other right now. I will not compete with money and I have a huge heart for them but now its their turn to show me that they want to be loved.
I do have a supportive man in my life who is trying what he knows best and I am pushing him away simply because I don't want to get hurt or deal with another loss. I do care for him very much but I also see he is concerned and doesn't know if this is what he wants either. Yes, its all confusing but I guess he stays because he can live here with little debt and doesn't have to work.
Today is an ok day and I hope they get better soon because the light is getting dimmer as the week goes by.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Looking Back!!!
Here it is one year later, wow the changes that have happened. My children are a year older and so am I. My divorce is still dragging on. I am still employed. Yeah!
I have grown so much stronger in my faith which has brought me through this past year that was much harder than I ever expected it to be. We all make decisions in our life and sometimes those decisions seem doable and then as you go through that journey there are obstacles and hurdles that you never saw coming. I get my strenght everyday through Jesus. I also have a great support group that has helped me through these trying times.
I have two wonderful children that were brought into a situation that could have been handled better by both parents. As I looked back on my childhood and how divorce affected me I start putting myself in my childrens shoes and didn't put them in the middle. Our children today have so many challenges as it is no reason to add to them. The influences that they are around are much worse than when I was growing up. The world of technology is exciting but scary at the same time. The temptations that surround them are great and we as parents need to help out and be involved with our children all the time. Yes, its easy to give in when the attitudes start but that is letting Satan win over our children.
Both my children received Christ which was wonderful. I am currently planning a move back home where I can heal with my family and friends. My children are also very excited because they built a better relationship with their grandmother and enjoy that church. I am ready for this move and ready to move on and see what God has in store for me there.
I have grown so much stronger in my faith which has brought me through this past year that was much harder than I ever expected it to be. We all make decisions in our life and sometimes those decisions seem doable and then as you go through that journey there are obstacles and hurdles that you never saw coming. I get my strenght everyday through Jesus. I also have a great support group that has helped me through these trying times.
I have two wonderful children that were brought into a situation that could have been handled better by both parents. As I looked back on my childhood and how divorce affected me I start putting myself in my childrens shoes and didn't put them in the middle. Our children today have so many challenges as it is no reason to add to them. The influences that they are around are much worse than when I was growing up. The world of technology is exciting but scary at the same time. The temptations that surround them are great and we as parents need to help out and be involved with our children all the time. Yes, its easy to give in when the attitudes start but that is letting Satan win over our children.
Both my children received Christ which was wonderful. I am currently planning a move back home where I can heal with my family and friends. My children are also very excited because they built a better relationship with their grandmother and enjoy that church. I am ready for this move and ready to move on and see what God has in store for me there.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Another Day!
As I sat in Church yesterday listening to the sermon of Taming your Tongue it really hit home. I have been going through some tough times lately. Or as some of us would say some challenges in life. As my divorce is drawing to a close there is always something else that seems to pop up. My children and I are creating better relationships and my finances are finally starting to work out.
The big challenge is dealing with the ex. He just doesn't really want to let go and wants to cause so much pain in everyones life. We both know that things could have been better, I truly tried and I finally turned over everything to God and have forgiven myself for all the things that went wrong. This was a hard thing to do but I know that is was the right thing to do.
I have a close friend who has helped me through this. Its very hard to do all this when all the people I am close to live thousands of miles away. I try to be this strong person and live life but I really wasn't following through with the advice or totally giving it to God to handle.
I am feeling much better now that I have asked for the forgiveness and realize that it wasn't all my fault and by fighting for what is mine isn't the wrong thing to do its taking care of me because no one else will do it. I know that with all the changes that lay ahead of me I will get through this. There will be many changes in this next year and hopefully I will be closer to home and with my family and friends.
The big challenge is dealing with the ex. He just doesn't really want to let go and wants to cause so much pain in everyones life. We both know that things could have been better, I truly tried and I finally turned over everything to God and have forgiven myself for all the things that went wrong. This was a hard thing to do but I know that is was the right thing to do.
I have a close friend who has helped me through this. Its very hard to do all this when all the people I am close to live thousands of miles away. I try to be this strong person and live life but I really wasn't following through with the advice or totally giving it to God to handle.
I am feeling much better now that I have asked for the forgiveness and realize that it wasn't all my fault and by fighting for what is mine isn't the wrong thing to do its taking care of me because no one else will do it. I know that with all the changes that lay ahead of me I will get through this. There will be many changes in this next year and hopefully I will be closer to home and with my family and friends.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
As the weeks go by!
This morning I woke up to my alarm so wanting to just stay in bed and sleep the day away. I haven't been feeling the greatest these days. I am sure its just fatigue due to stress and everyday life but I am a little concerned. My temper seems a little short and I just don't feel like dealing with drama or making everyone happy.
Over the past years I felt it was my job to make sure everyone was happy but now I am trying to take care of me. Then when I make changes or try to take care of me I feel guilty. This changing process is a challenge and I am not sure which way to go.
I am struggling with what to do next in my life or what road do I travel down. I want to be near my children but not near my ex. I need to have a job but with economy the way it is I am not sure what to do.
My relationships is up and down and as of lately I am not sure we will make it forever. I truly want to try but with our disagreements not sure if we really have a chance. I have given this to the Lord and I am patiently waiting without putting more stress on myself.
Over the past years I felt it was my job to make sure everyone was happy but now I am trying to take care of me. Then when I make changes or try to take care of me I feel guilty. This changing process is a challenge and I am not sure which way to go.
I am struggling with what to do next in my life or what road do I travel down. I want to be near my children but not near my ex. I need to have a job but with economy the way it is I am not sure what to do.
My relationships is up and down and as of lately I am not sure we will make it forever. I truly want to try but with our disagreements not sure if we really have a chance. I have given this to the Lord and I am patiently waiting without putting more stress on myself.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Blessing from the Power up Above
Today I feel like the pressure has been lifted. I had to sit down and go over the financial from the divorce with my very soon to be ex. I said several prayers during the day and once right before we met to make the words be the ones from God not mine. For the most part I was successful. As much as I don't want to rehash things it has become hard because when I spend time with my children they say things that is obviously from an adult conversation. I know from experience that when their is children involved this process is much harder.
I am truly concerned for both of my children because with having two different households its very evident that they at time try to play both of us. They are my number one priority, many things will be changing the summer of 2010. I am glad the we got this last portion on paper and now we can truly both move on with our own lives. It does saden me that after all this time he wants to be more honest. This is the difference between men and women. We usually try to talk about the things that bother us. Where guys don't generally realize that there is a problem until they loose that person.
I praise God for getting me through this process and I pray for his help this year and for my children to be safe, healthy and honest. There has been blessing through this trial in my life. I have become stronger in my faith and closer to my mother. I do have a wonderful man in my life and through God's words we will hopefully become stronger as well.
I am truly concerned for both of my children because with having two different households its very evident that they at time try to play both of us. They are my number one priority, many things will be changing the summer of 2010. I am glad the we got this last portion on paper and now we can truly both move on with our own lives. It does saden me that after all this time he wants to be more honest. This is the difference between men and women. We usually try to talk about the things that bother us. Where guys don't generally realize that there is a problem until they loose that person.
I praise God for getting me through this process and I pray for his help this year and for my children to be safe, healthy and honest. There has been blessing through this trial in my life. I have become stronger in my faith and closer to my mother. I do have a wonderful man in my life and through God's words we will hopefully become stronger as well.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Changes in Life
As we grow older many things change. Our lives change as well. I have been going through a divorce and never thought it would be as hard as it has been. In a few short weeks the process will be over and hopefully the healing will start. Its funny how you can spend 14 years with a person and never really know who they are. Over this past year I have changed myself and I like the changes that have occured.
I think the hardest part is watching my children go through this with the worry of upseting one parent or having to choose where to live. Many people have told me not to be the nice person but my heart and faith lead me to do the right things. It wasn't easy taking all the crap and being accused of things that weren't true. In my heart I know the truth and someday so with my children.
I do have a wonderful man who does take care of me from time to time. The bad part is with all the things that have happened over the years I have become pretty independent and won't rely on him completely which has caused its own problems. After being in a relationship for 14 years I didn't want to rely on anyone I needed to do something myself. This was good and bad because it caused undue hardship on myself supporting the household. The worst part is I have completely drained my savings and now when I need the extra money to move or do anything it isn't there. I have really humbled myself because to me making sure my children have what they need is important. Its sad because they never want me to buy them anything because their father has told them I cannot afford to buy them things. I would rather be in debt then know that my children feel sorry for me because of money.
I have also made the bond between my mother and I much stronger through this as well. We email almost every day now and usually talk a few times a week. It is hard because I am on the other coast pretty much by myself. I miss my family and hope to be back there next year. I am stronger in my faith as well and this summer both of my children became christians which I am so proud of them for making that next step in their lives.
I also have a good friend who has been there to discuss and support me as well. Without those two people in my life I am not sure I would be standing here today. I hope that someday I can repay the favor for someone else.
I think the hardest part is watching my children go through this with the worry of upseting one parent or having to choose where to live. Many people have told me not to be the nice person but my heart and faith lead me to do the right things. It wasn't easy taking all the crap and being accused of things that weren't true. In my heart I know the truth and someday so with my children.
I do have a wonderful man who does take care of me from time to time. The bad part is with all the things that have happened over the years I have become pretty independent and won't rely on him completely which has caused its own problems. After being in a relationship for 14 years I didn't want to rely on anyone I needed to do something myself. This was good and bad because it caused undue hardship on myself supporting the household. The worst part is I have completely drained my savings and now when I need the extra money to move or do anything it isn't there. I have really humbled myself because to me making sure my children have what they need is important. Its sad because they never want me to buy them anything because their father has told them I cannot afford to buy them things. I would rather be in debt then know that my children feel sorry for me because of money.
I have also made the bond between my mother and I much stronger through this as well. We email almost every day now and usually talk a few times a week. It is hard because I am on the other coast pretty much by myself. I miss my family and hope to be back there next year. I am stronger in my faith as well and this summer both of my children became christians which I am so proud of them for making that next step in their lives.
I also have a good friend who has been there to discuss and support me as well. Without those two people in my life I am not sure I would be standing here today. I hope that someday I can repay the favor for someone else.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Lifes Challenges
Do you ever wake up and questions almost everything about your life? These are some pretty deep questions to ask. It can be about the job you currently have or how your life is going. Once you start to analyze those areas of concern now its time to break them all down and figure out what to change or what can be changed or how to deal with what you have.
As I walk through life there were many times that I felt very alone and unhappy. My feeling of unhappiness has faded away since I have started living my life with Christ everyday. I have always believed in God but until a few months back I didn't realize what all that really entailed. I now wake up looking forward to my devotion of the day. I am trying to live a better life and constantly praying for the right direction and protection from the everyday challenges.
I feel more confident than I ever have. I also know that the counseling that I endure after my return from Iraq was one of the best things I could have ever done. My life is not normal by any means and my concern for my children is very intense. I truly want what is best for them. I know that someday when they are grown they will understand what went on a little better.
I am trying to make the right choices and say things that will not hurt either party of this divorce. I am so thankful for my Mom and friends that have been there for me every step of the way. These choices have been very tough but I can say they were done for the right reasons and I feel so much better about them also.
I feel like this process will never end and that it will be a constant battle. I have a wondeful man in my life but there are times when I feel that he doesn't really understand what is going on. My children are the world to me and no matter how bad they treat me they will always be mine. I don't like conflict or the pressures of what will happen this weekend and do I need to be on guard because of attitudes. He is supportive but he has a problem when the kids are not treating me properly. The children are going through so many changes right now and with having two different house to go to it makes things difficult. I do understand that its easier to choose one house over the other simply because all of their stuff is there and that is where they are currently comfortable. I don't like being the person who is on the outskirts waiting for them to realize that I love them and want to spend time with them. Recently I have felt like the bad person simply because they are so angry with me that I get treated like a piece of dirt on the floor only needed occasionally. This has caused some concern in my relationship which is hard because he feels that they are using me and I will take what ever I can get because its so minimal these days.
I have to say that this week has been much better. I had a long talk with my daughter and she now understands that I have feelings too. My son wanted to spend more time with me and we are having great conversations also. I am hoping that things stay this way but I am sure there will be more hiccups to follow.
I know that with Jesus by my side that I will get through this.
As I walk through life there were many times that I felt very alone and unhappy. My feeling of unhappiness has faded away since I have started living my life with Christ everyday. I have always believed in God but until a few months back I didn't realize what all that really entailed. I now wake up looking forward to my devotion of the day. I am trying to live a better life and constantly praying for the right direction and protection from the everyday challenges.
I feel more confident than I ever have. I also know that the counseling that I endure after my return from Iraq was one of the best things I could have ever done. My life is not normal by any means and my concern for my children is very intense. I truly want what is best for them. I know that someday when they are grown they will understand what went on a little better.
I am trying to make the right choices and say things that will not hurt either party of this divorce. I am so thankful for my Mom and friends that have been there for me every step of the way. These choices have been very tough but I can say they were done for the right reasons and I feel so much better about them also.
I feel like this process will never end and that it will be a constant battle. I have a wondeful man in my life but there are times when I feel that he doesn't really understand what is going on. My children are the world to me and no matter how bad they treat me they will always be mine. I don't like conflict or the pressures of what will happen this weekend and do I need to be on guard because of attitudes. He is supportive but he has a problem when the kids are not treating me properly. The children are going through so many changes right now and with having two different house to go to it makes things difficult. I do understand that its easier to choose one house over the other simply because all of their stuff is there and that is where they are currently comfortable. I don't like being the person who is on the outskirts waiting for them to realize that I love them and want to spend time with them. Recently I have felt like the bad person simply because they are so angry with me that I get treated like a piece of dirt on the floor only needed occasionally. This has caused some concern in my relationship which is hard because he feels that they are using me and I will take what ever I can get because its so minimal these days.
I have to say that this week has been much better. I had a long talk with my daughter and she now understands that I have feelings too. My son wanted to spend more time with me and we are having great conversations also. I am hoping that things stay this way but I am sure there will be more hiccups to follow.
I know that with Jesus by my side that I will get through this.
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